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Things you NEVER hear in community theatre!

 

BY THE STAGE MANAGER:

 

It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.

Take your time getting back from break.

We've been ready for hours.

No, I called that perfectly the first time, let's move on.

The headsets are working perfectly.

The cue lights are working perfectly.

The orchestra has no complaints.

The whole company is standing by whenever you need them..

That didn't take long.

No thanks, I don't drink.

 

BY THE PRODUCER:

 

Of course there's enough money to go around.

We have money left over.

No thanks, I don't drink.

 

BY THE DIRECTOR:

 

Wow, the designers were right, weren't they?

No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later.

I think the scene changes are too fast.

Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.

The crew? Why they're just wonderful!

That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.

Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.

This chair’s fine, thank you.

No we don't need to use glitter in this show as it takes the stage crew hours to sweep the stuff up. One small bubble machine should work.

Thank You.

We’ll use it as it is.

My round, are all the crew here?

No thanks, I don't drink.

 

BY THE DESIGNERS:

 

Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.

Yes, it is absolutely my fault that the set looks awful.

You know, you might have a point there.

The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wanted.

We may have too many gel colours in stock, I can't choose.

The shop will have the costumes ready on time.

No thanks, I don't drink.

 

BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:

 

This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen.

We built it right the first time.

No problem, I'll deal with that right away.

I love designers.

No thanks, I don't drink.

 

 

BY THE ACTOR:

 

Don't.... Let's not talk about me.

I really think my big scene should be cut.

This costume is so comfortable.

I love my shoes.

No problem, I can do that myself.

I have a fantastic agent.

Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.

No, leave that spot where it is - I'll walk into it.

I'm sure someone told me there was a wall down here, I just forgot.

Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.

No thanks, I don't drink.

 

 

BY THE STAGE CREW:

 

There's room for that over here.

We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.

No, no, I'm sure that is our job.

Anything I can do to help?

All the tools are carefully locked away.

Can we do that scene change again, please?

It's a marvellous show.

I don't need this many on the crew.

I'm getting loads of sleep - everythings going really well.

No thanks, I don't drink.

 

BY THE ELECTRICS CREW

 

I must fix the light in the publicity office.

This equipment is far more complicated than we need.

Of course I can operate sound from here.

Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.

All the lanterns on the bar a foot to the right? No problem.

I’ll do that right away.

All the equipment is working perfectly.

No, please - take the last doughnut.

That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.

Yes, it would be easier to do it on paper, wouldn't it.

I have all the equipment I need, thanks.

No, honestly, it’s my round.

Thanks, but I don’t drink.

 

BY THE CHOREOGRAPHER

 

This floor’s fine.

Plenty warm enough, thank you.

Thank you.

The lights are spot on.

Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.

One dressing room’s fine.

The costumes are perfect.

The boom positions are fine.

The wing space is ample, really.

Thanks, but I don’t drink.

 

BY THE ORCHESTRA

 

Oh the pit's fine; actually we don't need all that space you could have built a smaller pit.

No it's alright we can unload our equipment ourselves, we don't want to trouble the stage crew when they are busy.

Could you turn these music stand lights down? They're a bit too bright.

Of course we can play quieter.

The foldback is fine.

Thanks, but we don’t drink.

 

BY THE FRONT OF HOUSE MANAGER

 

Yes, we knew all about the size of the mixing desk. We even allowed a few spare seats in the stalls in case you had some extra equipment.

Yes Please, and make it a double.


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Thoughts of ZEN

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.


A day without sunshine is like.................night.


On the other hand.............. you have different fingers.


I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.


42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.


99.9% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.


I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


Honk if you love peace and quiet.


Remember, half the people you know are below average.


He who laughs last thinks slowest.


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


Spread bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.


Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.


Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!


If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.


How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand!


OK, so what's the speed of dark?


How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?


If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.


When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.


If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


What happens if you get scared half to death twice?


I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.


I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?


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FINALLY, the truth about nutrition and fitness:


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain? Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.  As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories animal, mineral, and vegetable.  We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?  My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.  Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press.  What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts.  It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.


Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope.  Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.  If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.



I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

 


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Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughters

 
Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:


You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:


I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:


I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:


It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:


I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:


As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:


The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:


Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:


Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

Oh, by the way, have you seen my photo album?
(Keep these pictures in mind while you're out with my daughter...)

 

Hello Son? My Buddies, and I! Agent Orange Meltdown


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How to Build an H-Bomb 

 
Making and owning an H-bomb is the kind of challenge real Americans seek. Who wants to be a passive victim of nuclear war when, with a little effort, you can be an active participant? Bomb shelters are for losers. Who wants to huddle together underground eating canned Spam? Winners want to push the button themselves. Making your own H-bomb is a big step in nuclear assertiveness training -- it's called Taking Charge. We're sure you'll enjoy the risks and the heady thrill of playing nuclear chicken. 
 
 

Introduction

When the Feds clamped down on The Progressive magazine for attempting to publish an article on the manufacture of the hydrogen bomb, it piqued our curiosity. Was it really true that atomic and hydrogen bomb technology was so simple you could build an H-bomb in your own kitchen? Twin Peaks Video decided to find out. Video  Editor Nigel Aves, Video Producer Tom Lewis, Director Bob Wolsey and nuclear scientist Glow Softly  were given three days to cook up a workable H-bomb. They did and we have decided to share their culinary secrets with you. 
 
Not that Twin Peaks Video supports nuclear terrorism. We don't. We would prefer to die slowly from familiar poisons like low-level radiation, microwaves, DDT, DBCP, aflatoxins, PBBs, PBCs, or food dyes, rather than unexpectedly, say as hostage to a Latvian nationalist brandishing a homemade bomb. In our view the real terrorists are the governments, American, Soviet, French, Chinese, and British, that are hoarding H-bombs for their own use, and worse still, those governments (U.S., French and German) that are eagerly peddling advanced nuclear technology to countries like South Africa, Brazil, and Argentina so that they can make their own bombs. When these bombs are used, and they will be, it will be the world's big-time nuclear peddlers, along with corporate suppliers like General Electric, Westinghouse, and Gulf Oil, that we can thank for it. Gagging The Progressive will do no more for national security than backyard bomb shelters because like it or not the news is out. The heart of the successful H-bomb is the successful A-bomb. Once you've got your A-bombs made the rest if frosting on the cake. All you have to do is set them up so that when they detonate they'll start off a hydrogen-fusion reaction. 

 

 


 

Part 1: Making Your Bomb

 
Step 1: Getting the Ingredients

 

Uranium is the basic ingredient of the A-bomb. When a uranium atom's nucleus splits apart, it releases a tremendous amount of energy (for its size), and it emits neutrons which go on to split other nearby uranium nuclei, releasing more energy, in what is called a 'chain reaction'. (When atoms split, matter is converted into energy according to Einstein's equation E=MC2. What better way to mark his birthday than with your own atomic fireworks?)
 
There are two kinds (isotopes) of uranium: the rare U-235, used in bombs, and the more common, heavier, but useless U-238. Natural uranium contains less than 1 percent U-235 and in order to be usable in bombs it has to be "enriched" to 90 percent U-235 and only 10 percent U-238. Plutonium-239 can also be used in bombs as a substitute for U-235. Ten pounds of U-235 (or slightly less plutonium) is all that is necessary for a bomb. Less than ten pounds won't give you a critical mass. So purifying or enriching naturally occurring uranium is likely to be your first big hurdle. It is infinitely easy to steal ready-to-use enriched uranium or plutonium than to enrich some yourself. And stealing uranium is not as hard as it sounds. 
 
There are at least three sources of enriched uranium or plutonium... 
 
Enriched uranium is manufactured at a gaseous diffusion plant in Portsmouth, Ohio. From there it is shipped in 10 liter bottles by airplane and trucks to conversion plants that turn it into uranium oxide or uranium metal. Each 10 liter bottle contains 7 kilograms of U-235, and there are 20 bottles to a typical shipment. Conversion facilities exist at Hematite, Missouri; Apollo, Pennsylvania; and Erwin, Tennessee. The Kerr-McGee plant at Crescent Oklahoma -- where Karen Silkwood worked -- was a conversion plant that "lost" 40 lbs of plutonium. Enriched uranium can be stolen from these plants or from fuel-fabricating plants like those in New Haven, San Diego; or Lynchburg, Virginia. (A former Kerr-McGee supervisor, James V. Smith, when asked at the Silkwood trial if there were any security precautions at the plant to prevent theft, testified that 'There were none of any kind, no guards, no fences, no nothing.')
 
Plutonium can be obtained from places like United Nuclear in Pawling, New York; Nuclear Fuel Services in Erwin, Tennessee; General Electric in Pleasanton, California; Westinghouse in Cheswick, Pennsylvania; Nuclear Materials and Equipment Corporation (NUMEC) in Leechburg, Pennsylvania; and plants in Hanfford, Washington and Morris, Illinois. According to Rolling Stone magazine the Israelis were involved in the theft of plutonium from NUMEC. 
 
Finally you can steal enriched uranium or plutonium while it's en-route from conversion plants to fuel fabricating plants. It is usually transported (by air or truck) in the form of uranium oxide, a brownish powder resembling instant coffee, or as a metal, coming in small chunks called "broken buttons." Both forms are shipped in small cans stacked in 5-inch cylinders braced with welded struts in the center of ordinary 55 gallon steel drums. The drums weigh about 100 pounds and are clearly marked "Fissible Material" or "Danger, Plutonium." A typical shipment might go from the enrichment plant at Portsmouth, Ohio to the conversion plant in Hematite Missouri then to Kansas City by truck where it would be flown to Los Angeles and then trucked down to the General Atomic plant in San Diego. The plans for the General Atomic plant are on file at the Nuclear Regulatory Commission's reading room at 1717 H Street NW Washington. A Xerox machine is provided for the convenience of the public. 
 
If you can't get hold of any enriched uranium you'll have to settle for commercial grade (20 percent U-235). This can be stolen from university reactors of a type called TRIGA Mark II, where security is even more casual than at commercial plants.

If stealing uranium seems too tacky you can buy it. Unenriched uranium is available at any chemical supply house for $23 a pound. Commercial grade (3 to 20 percent enriched) is available for $40 a pound from Gulf Atomic. You'll have to enrich it further yourself. Quite frankly this can be something of a pain in the ass. You'll need to start with a little more than 50 pounds of commercial-grade uranium. (It's only 20 percent U-235 at best, and you need 10 pounds of U-235 so... ) But with a little kitchen-table chemistry you'll be able to convert the solid uranium oxide you've purchased into a liquid form. Once you've done that, you'll be able to separate the U-235 that you'll need from the U-238. 
 
First pour a few gallons of concentrated hydrofluoric acid into your uranium oxide, converting it to uranium tetrafluoride. (Safety note: Concentrated hydrofluoric acid is so corrosive that it will eat its way through glass, so store it only in plastic. Used 1-gallon plastic milk containers will do.) Now you have to convert your uranium tetrafluoride to uranium hexafluoride, the gaseous form of uranium, which is convenient for separating out the isotope U-235 from U-238. 
 
To get the hexafluoride form, bubble fluorine gas into your container of uranium tetrafluoride. Fluorine is available in pressurized tanks from chemical-supply firms. Be careful how you use it though because fluorine is several times more deadly than chlorine, the classic World War I poison gas. Chemists recommend that you carry out this step under a stove hood (the kind used to remove unpleasant cooking odors). 
 
If you've done your chemistry right you should now have a generous supply of uranium hexafluoride ready for enriching. In the old horse-and-buggy days of A-bomb manufacture the enrichment was carried out by passing the uranium hexafluoride through hundreds of miles of pipes, tubes, and membranes, until the U-235 was eventually separated from the U-238. This gaseous-diffusion process, as it was called is difficult, time-consuming, and expensive. Gaseous-diffusion plants cover hundreds of acres and cost in the neighborhood of $2-billion each. So forget it. There are easier, and cheaper, ways to enrich your uranium. 
 
First transform the gas into a liquid by subjecting it to pressure. You can use a bicycle pump for this. Then make a simple home centrifuge. Fill a standard-size bucket one-quarter full of liquid uranium hexafluoride. Attach a six-foot rope to the bucket handle. Now swing the rope (and attached bucket) around your head as fast as possible. Keep this up for about 45 minutes. Slow down gradually, and very gently put the bucket on the floor. The U-235, which is lighter, will have risen to the top, where it can be skimmed off like cream. Repeat this step until you have the required 10 pounds of uranium. (Safety note: Don't put all your enriched uranium hexafluoride in one bucket. Use at least two or three buckets and keep them in separate corners of the room. This will prevent the premature build-up of a critical mass.)
 
Now it's time to convert your enriched uranium back to metal form. This is easily enough accomplished by spooning several ladlefuls of calcium (available in tablet form from your drugstore) into each bucket of uranium. The calcium will react with the uranium hexafluoride to produce calcium fluoride, a colorless salt which can be easily be separated from your pure enriched uranium metal. 
 

A few precautions:

!While uranium is not dangerously radioactive in the amounts you'll be handling, if you plan to make more than one bomb it might be wise to wear gloves and a lead apron, the kind you can buy in dental supply stores.

!Plutonium is one of the most toxic substances known. If inhaled, a thousandth of a gram can cause massive fibrosis of the lungs, a painful way to go. Even a millionth of a gram in the lungs will cause cancer. If eaten plutonium is metabolized like calcium. It goes straight to the bones where it gives out alpha particles preventing bone marrow from manufacturing red blood cells. The best way to avoid inhaling plutonium is to hold your breath while handling it. If this is too difficult wear a mask. To avoid ingesting plutonium orally follow this simple rule: never make an A-bomb on an empty stomach.

 !If you find yourself dozing off while you're working, or if you begin to glow in the dark, it might be wise to take a blood count. Prick your finger with a sterile pin, place a drop of blood on a microscope slide, cover it with a cover slip, and examine under a microscope. (Best results are obtained in the early morning.) When you get leukemia, immature cells are released into the bloodstream, and usually the number of white cells increases (though this increase might take almost 2 weeks). Red blood cells look kind of like donuts (without the hole), and are slightly smaller than the white cells, each of which has a nucleus. Immature red cells look similar to white cells (i.e.. slightly larger and have a nucleus). If you have more than about 1 white cell (including immature ones) to 400 red cells then start to worry. But, depending upon your plans for the eventual use of the bomb, a short life expectancy might not be a problem.

 

Step 2: Assembling the A-Bomb
 

Now that you've acquired the enriched uranium, all that's left is to assemble your A-bomb. Go find a couple of stainless steel salad bowls. You also want to separate your 10 pounds of U-235 into two hunks. (Keep them apart!) The idea is to push each half your uranium into the inside of a bowl.

Take one hunk of your uranium and beat it into the inside of the first bowl. Uranium is malleable, like gold, so you should have no trouble hammering it into the bowl to get a good fit. Take another five-pound hunk of uranium and fit it into a second stainless steel bowl. These two bowls of U-235 are the "subcritical masses" which, when brought together forcefully, will provide the critical mass that makes your A-bomb go. Keep them a respectful distance apart while working because you don't want them to "go critical" on you... At least not yet.

Now hollow out the body of an old vacuum cleaner and place your two hemispherical bowls inside, open ends facing each other, no less than seven inches apart, using masking tape to set them up in position. The reason for the steel bowls and the vacuum cleaner, in case you're wondering, is that these help reflect the neutrons back into the uranium for a more efficient explosion. "A loose neutron is a useless neutron" as the A-bomb pioneers used to say.

As far as the A-bomb goes, you're almost done. The final problem is to figure out how to get the two U-235 hemispheres to smash into each other with sufficient force to set off a truly effective fission reaction. Almost any type of explosive can be used to drive them together. Gunpowder, for example, is easily made at home from potassium nitrate, sulfur, and carbon. Or, you can get some blasting caps or TNT. (Buy them or steal them from a construction site.) Best of all is C4 plastic explosive. You can mold it around your bowls, and it's fairly safe to work with. (But, it might be wise to shape it around an extra salad bowl in another room, and THEN fit it to your uranium-packed bowls. This is particularly true in winter, when a stray static electrical charge might induce ignition in the C4. A responsible bomb maker considers it impolite to accidentally destroy more of the neighborhood than absolutely necessary.)

Once the explosives are in place all you need to do is hook up a simple detonation device with a few batteries, a switch, and some wire. Remember though that it is essential that the two charges -- one on each side of the casing -- go off simultaneously.
Now put the whole thing in the casing of an old Hoover vacuum cleaner and you're finished with this part of the process.

The rest is easy!

 

Step 3: Make More A-Bombs Following the Directions Above 
 

A Word to the Wise About Wastes

 
After your A-bomb is completed you'll have a pile of moderately fatal radioactive wastes like U-238.  These are not dangerous, but you do have to get rid of them. You can flush leftovers down the toilet. (Don't worry about polluting the ocean, there is already so much radioactive waste there, a few more bucketfuls won't make any waves whatsoever.) If you're the fastidious type -- the kind who never leaves gum under their seat at the movies -- you can seal the nasty stuff in coffee cans and bury it in the backyard, just like Uncle Sam does. If the neighbor kids have a habit of trampling the lawn, tell them to play over by the waste. You'll soon find that they're spending most of their time in bed. 

 

Going First Class

If you're like us, you're feeling the economic pinch, and you'll want to make your bomb as inexpensively as possible, consonant of course with reasonable yield. The recipe we've given is for a budget-pleasing H-bomb, no frills, no flourishes; it's just a simple 5-megaton bomb, capable of wiping out the New York metropolitan area, the San Francisco Bay area, or Boston. But don't forget, your H-bomb will only be as good as the A-bombs in it. 
 
If you want to spend a little more money you can punch-up your A-bomb considerably. Instead of centrifuging your uranium by hand, you can buy a commercial centrifuge. (Fisher Scientific sells one for about $1000.) You also might want to be fussier about your design. The Hiroshima bomb, a relatively crude one, only fissioned 1 percent of it's uranium and yielded only 13 kilotons. In order to fission more of the uranium, the force of your explosive "trigger" needs to be evenly diffused around the sphere; the same pressure has to be exerted on every point of the sphere simultaneously. (It was a technique for producing this sort of simultaneous detonation by fashioning the explosives into lenses that the government accused Julius and Ethel Rosenberg of trying to steal). 

 

Part 2: Putting Your H-Bomb Together

 
The heart of the H-bomb is the fusion process. Several A-bombs are detonated in such a way as to create the extremely high temperature (100 million degrees C) necessary to fuse lithium deuteride (LiD) into helium. When the lithium nucleus slams into the deuterium nucleus, two helium nuclei are created, and if this happens to enough deuterium nuclei rapidly enough, the result is an enormous amount of energy: the energy of the H-bomb. You don't have to worry about stealing lithium deuteride, it can be purchased from any chemical-supply house. It costs $1000 a pound. If your budget won't allow it you can substitute lithium hydride at $40 a pound. You will need at least 100 pounds. It's a corrosive and toxic powder so be careful. 

 Place the lithium deuteride or hydride in glass jars and surround it with four A-bombs in their casings. Attach them to the same detonator so that they will go off simultaneously. The container for the whole thing is no problem. They can be placed anywhere: Inside an old stereo console, a discarded refrigerator, etc... 

 When the detonator sets off the four A-bombs all eight hemispheres of fissionable material will slam into each other at the same time creating four critical masses and four detonations. This will raise the temperature of the lithium deuteride to 100 million degrees C fast enough (a few billionths of a second) so that the lithium will not be blown all over the neighborhood before the nuclei have time to fuse. The result, at least 1000 times the punch of the puny A-bomb that leveled Hiroshima (20 million tons of TNT vs. 20 thousand tons.)

 

Part 3: What to do With Your Bomb

Now that you have a fully assembled H-bomb housed in an attractive console of your choice you may be wondering, "What should I do with it?" Every family will have to answer this question according to its own tastes and preferences, but you may want to explore some possibilities which have been successfully pioneered by the American government. 

1. Sell Your Bomb and Make a Pile of Money In these days of rising inflation, increasing unemployment, and an uncertain economic outlook, few businesses make as much sense as weapons production. If your career forecast is cloudy, bomb sales may be the only sure way to avoid the humiliation of receiving welfare, or unemployment. Regardless of your present income level, a home H-bomb business can be an invaluable income supplement, and certainly a profitable alternative to selling Tupperware or pirated Girl Scout cookies. 

Unfortunately for the family bomb business, big government has already cornered a large part of the world market. But this does not mean that there is a shortage of potential customers. The raid on Entebee was the Waterloo of hijacking, and many nationalist groups are now on the alert for new means to get their message across. They'd jump at the chance to get hold of an H-bomb. Emerging nations which can't ante up enough rice or sugar to buy themselves a reactor from G.E. or Westinghouse are also shopping around. 

You may wonder about the ethics of selling to nations, or groups, whose goals you may disapprove of. But here again, take a tip from our government: forget ideology -- it's cash that counts. And remember, H-bomb sales have a way of escalating, almost like a chain reaction. Suppose you make a sale to South Yemen which you believe to be a Soviet puppet. Well within a few days some discrete inquiries from North Yemen and possibly the Saudis, the Egyptians and the Ethiopians as well can be expected. Similarly, a sale to the IRA will generate a sale to the Ulster government; and a sale to the Tanzanians will bring the Ugandans running, and so forth. 

It doesn't matter WHICH side you're on, only how many sides there are. Don't forget about the possibility of repeat sales to the same customer. As the experience of both the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. has shown, each individual nation has a potentially infinite need for H-bombs. No customer -- no matter how small -- can ever have too many. 

 
2. Use Your Bomb at Home
  
Many families are attracted to the H-bomb simply as a "deterrent." A discrete sticker on the door or on the living room window saying "This Home Protected by H-bomb" will discourage IRS investigators, census takers, and Jehovah's Witnesses. You'll be surprised how fast the crime rate will go down and property values will go up. And once the news gets out that you are a home H-bomb owner you'll find that you have unexpected leverage in neighborhood disputes over everything from parking places and stereo noise levels to school tax rates. So relax and enjoy the pride and excitement of home H-bomb ownership! 

 

Is It For You?

 
Let's be honest. The H-bomb isn't for everyone. Frankly there are people who can't handle it. They break out in hives at the very mention of mega-death, fallout, or radiation sickness. 

The following quiz will help you find out whether you have what it takes for home H-bomb ownership. If you can answer "yes" to six or more of these questions, then you're emotionally eligible to join the nuclear club. If not, a more conventional weapon may be more your cup of tea, try botulism-toxin, laser rays, or nerve gas. 
 
1. I ignore the demands of others.
 
2. I subscribe to one or more of the following: Soldier of FortuneHustlerPopular MechanicsSelf.
 
3. Though I have many interesting acquaintances, I am my own best friend.
 
4. I know what to say after you say "Hello," but I am seldom interested in pursuing the conversation.
 
5. I have seen the movie "The Deer Hunter" more than once.
 
6. I know that everyone can be a winner if they want to, and I resent whiners.
 
7. I own one or more of the following: handgun, video game, trash compactor, snowmobile.
 
8. I am convinced that leukemia is psychosomatic.
 
9. I am aware that most vegetarians are sexually impotent.
 
10. I have read evidence that solar energy is a Communist conspiracy.

 

Myths About Nuclear War

Ever since the first mushroom cloud over Hiroshima ushered in the atomic age, a small group of nay-sayers and doom-mongers has lobbied, campaigned and demonstrated to convince Americans that H-bomb ownership, along with nuclear power, is dangerous and unhealthy. Using their virtual stranglehold over the media, these people have tried to discredit everything nuclear from energy to war. They have vastly overrated the risks of nuclear bombs and left many Americans feeling demoralized and indecisive; not sure where the truth lies. Well, here are the myths, and here are the facts. 
 
 
Myth: After a nuclear exchange the earth will no longer be suitable for human habitation.
 
Fact: This is completely false. According to one scientist (quoted in John McPee's The Curve of Binding Energy) "The largest bomb that has ever been exploded anywhere was 60 megatons, and that is one-thousandth the force of an earthquake, one-thousandth the force of a hurricane. We have lived with earthquakes and hurricanes for a long time." Another scientist adds, "It is often assumed that a full blown nuclear war would be the end of life on earth. That is far from the truth. To end life on earth would take at least a thousand times the total yield of all the nuclear explosives existing in the world, and probably a lot more." Even if humans succumbed, many forms of life would survive a nuclear free-for-all, cockroaches, certain forms of bacteria, and lichens, for instance.
 
 
Myth: Radiation is bad for you.
 
Fact: Everything is bad for you if you have too much of it. If you eat too many bananas you'll get a stomach-ache. If you get too much sun you can get sunburned (or even skin cancer). Same thing with radiation. Too much may make you feel under the weather, but nuclear industry officials insist that there is no evidence that low-level radiation has any really serious adverse effects. And, high-level radiation may bring unexpected benefits. It speeds up evolution by weeding out unwanted genetic types and creating new ones. (Remember the old saying, "Two heads are better than one.") Nearer to home, it's plain that radiation will get rid of pesky crab grass and weeds, and teenagers will find that brief exposure to a nuclear burst vaporizes acne and other skin blemishes. (Many survivors of the Hiroshima bomb found that they were free from skin and it's attendant problems forever.)
 

We hope this clears up any misconceptions you may have had. Enjoy your H-Bomb! 

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