Things you NEVER hear in community theatre!

 

BY THE STAGE MANAGER:

 

It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.

Take your time getting back from break.

We've been ready for hours.

No, I called that perfectly the first time, let's move on.

The headsets are working perfectly.

The cue lights are working perfectly.

The orchestra has no complaints.

The whole company is standing by whenever you need them..

That didn't take long.

No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE PRODUCER:

Of course there's enough money to go around.

We have money left over.

No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DIRECTOR:

 

Wow, the designers were right, weren't they?

No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later.

I think the scene changes are too fast.

Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.

The crew? Why they're just wonderful!

That’s fine, I’ve got my own torch.

Leave it where it is, we’ll re-block it.

This chair’s fine, thank you.

No we don't need to use glitter in this show as it takes the stage crew hours to sweep the stuff up. One small bubble machine should work.

Thank You.

We’ll use it as it is.

My round, are all the crew here?

No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DESIGNERS:

 

Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.

Yes, it is absolutely my fault that the set looks awful.

You know, you might have a point there.

The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wanted.

We may have too many gel colours in stock, I can't choose.

The shop will have the costumes ready on time.

No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:

 

This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen.

We built it right the first time.

No problem, I'll deal with that right away.

I love designers.

No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE ACTOR:

Don't.... Let's not talk about me.

I really think my big scene should be cut.

This costume is so comfortable.

I love my shoes.

No problem, I can do that myself.

I have a fantastic agent.

Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.

No, leave that spot where it is - I'll walk into it.

I'm sure someone told me there was a wall down here, I just forgot.

Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.

No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE STAGE CREW:

 

There's room for that over here.

We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.

No, no, I'm sure that is our job.

Anything I can do to help?

All the tools are carefully locked away.

Can we do that scene change again, please?

It's a marvellous show.

I don't need this many on the crew.

I'm getting loads of sleep - everythings going really well.

No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE ELECTRICS CREW

 

I must fix the light in the publicity office.

This equipment is far more complicated than we need.

Of course I can operate sound from here.

Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.

All the lanterns on the bar a foot to the right? No problem.

I’ll do that right away.

All the equipment is working perfectly.

No, please - take the last doughnut.

That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.

Yes, it would be easier to do it on paper, wouldn't it.

I have all the equipment I need, thanks.

No, honestly, it’s my round.

Thanks, but I don’t drink.

BY THE CHOREOGRAPHER

 

This floor’s fine.

Plenty warm enough, thank you.

Thank you.

The lights are spot on.

Leave it; we’ll fit in somehow.

One dressing room’s fine.

The costumes are perfect.

The boom positions are fine.

The wing space is ample, really.

Thanks, but I don’t drink.

BY THE ORCHESTRA

 

Oh the pit's fine; actually we don't need all that space you could have built a smaller pit.

No it's alright we can unload our equipment ourselves, we don't want to trouble the stage crew when they are busy.

Could you turn these music stand lights down? They're a bit too bright.

Of course we can play quieter.

The foldback is fine.

Thanks, but we don’t drink.

BY THE FRONT OF HOUSE MANAGER

 

Yes, we knew all about the size of the mixing desk. We even allowed a few spare seats in the stalls in case you had some extra equipment.

Yes Please, and make it a double.

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughters

 

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

Oh, by the way, have you seen my photo album?
(Keep these pictures in mind while you're out with my daughter...)

 

Thoughts of ZEN

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like.................night.

On the other hand.............. you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99.9% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Spread bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends.

 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

FINALLY, the truth about nutrition and fitness:

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain? Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.  As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories animal, mineral, and vegetable.  We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right?  My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.  Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press.  What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts.  It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to re-evaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope.  Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.  If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.